Rob's Googlesearch Adventure

Why did I go looking?

What did I expect to find?

Am I fucking idiot? Yes!

For ages now I’ve been meaning to send my ex an email. We were together for 4 ½ years, living together for most of that, and split up last summer. I moved out a year ago this week, and she’s been on my mind.

You see, after we sold our flat early this year, we’d made an agreement to split the money from the sale of our furniture. Since the sale of the flat I haven’t heard from her. I didn’t want to hassle her for my half as I knew she had a new boyfriend. But what with the year anniversary I started missing the futon my parents bought us.

So I .... and this is the bit where you all go, “NO!” .... decided to Google search her.

I don’t know why. I wish I hadn’t. As do you. Yes, you did warn me, but it was too late.

Don’t get me wrong; splitting up was completely the right thing to do, but after 4 years living with someone you are bound to miss their company.

If I’m honest, we should never have even stayed together. You see, after three months together she travelled the world for six months and I waited for her return. After two weeks of arguing we should have broken up, but a part of me insisted we stay together, “That would be like the past six months have been wasted. Fuck that ... why not waste the next four years instead”

Funnily enough, recently I have been talking about her onstage in a bitter way, but that’s only a device to mask the fact that I haven’t written enough good new jokes to drop the ones I wrote about her when we were together.

I thought I was completely over her. A friend of mine reckons you’re over your ex when it stops being painful (mentally not physically) enough to start wanking about them, but that hasn’t happened yet, so maybe not.

Anyway... Google found her for me, albeit on the third page of searches (yes, I did keep clicking). An article for the magazine she used to work for with the headline, “Honeymoon challenge”

Basically three journos were tasked with sourcing her perfect honeymoon (well; as perfect as it could be with the me-placement). Honeymoon? That means she’s married? And it was from August. Seriously? Exactly a year since we split? Surely her tears are barely dry yet.

I’m not sure exactly how I feel, suffice to say I didn't get much sleep last night and felt the need to write about my confused feelings. After my brother’s divorce ten years ago a similar thing happened to him and he quoted the words of Alanis Morrisette, “It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced”. I think the only Alanis words that would comfort me right now would be, “go down on you in the theater”* but each to their own. Ah, the tears of a clown.

Weirdly my two closest friends have also found themselves in the exact same position over the past few years. – long-term exes married within a year.

Both really struggled with their self-esteem for ages, then one chose to deal with it by becoming a number one commercial radio DJ whilst the other settled for an HBO comedy special in the States.

So I’m not that bitter. I wish her only happiness. And anyway, who gives a fuck ... my career’s clearly about to finally take off!

I do miss my futon though.

*I kept “theatre” spelt “theater” as that’s how Alanis would spell it.